Marital Coaching


If Loving You Is Right

Has anyone ever came up to you and said, “I love you,” but you seriously doubted their conviction?  Has your spouse or significant other said, “Baby, I love you,” but you didn’t believe it to be true? Have you ever received an, “I love you,” text but based on the sender’s recent disposition toward you, you found the sentiment hard to receive?  In these and similar situations your intuition may be spot on.  Then again it may not be.  Why?  I’ll give you two reasons: 1) Most people will express their love for you in the way they want to be loved in return.  For example, if your girlfriend’s top love language is words of affirmation, Nine times out of ten, even when she’s angry with you, she will be intentional about guarding her tongue, watching her tone, and picking the right time to express her fears and frustrations with you and 2) the second reason stems from the fact there is  a multiplicity of love styles.  Here in America, we’ve been socially conditioned to only accept and respect one style of love – romantic.  
You know the scenario:  Boy can’t fit in.  Girl is rejected by her parents.  Boy eats lunch in a crowded cafeteria by himself.  Girl spots boy while eating with her friends.  Boy and Girl make eye contact then quickly look away.  Boy and Girl make eye contact, Girl smiles, Boy lowers his head.  Girl’s BFF encourages her to step to Boy.  Girl walks to Boy’s table.  Girl says, “Hi, my name is Sandy.”  Boy says, “Hi, Sandy.”  Sandy asks Boy if he has a name.  Boy nervously says, “Hi, um, yeah.  Um, my name is, Todd.”  Sandy asks Todd if she can sit with him.  Todd awkwardly pulls out a chair for her. Sandy twirls her hair and tilts her head while Todd fidgets in his seat because his heart is profusely pounding because he likes what he sees.  The lunch bell rings.  Sandy and Todd say goodbye. Todd does his happy dance as soon as Sandy is out of view.
The purpose of this post is to introduce you to and make you aware of the different loving styles that are available to you.  Secondarily, you might be experiencing one or more of these loving styles from your spouse or significant other.  You can use this material as a frame of reference to enhance the quality of your relationship or if your relationship is solid, make the adjustments and corrections to make it extraordinary.
Below, are the styles of loving.  The informations is taken from John Allen Lee’s Hendrick’s Model. Enjoy!
Loving style 1 EROS (ROMANTIC):
  • Immediate, powerful attraction to the physical appearance of the beloved
  • Early sexual intimacy
  • Cultivation of a variety of sexual techniques
  • Mental as well as sexual attraction
  • Self-assurance as basic personality trait
  • Ready for love but not searching for love
  • Rarely possessive
  • Less chance of a mutual lasting relationship
Loving style 2 LUDUS (GAME-PLAYING)
  • Desires sex for fun, not emotional support
  • Typically has several partners at one time
  • Criticized for lack of commitment
  • Does not become dependent on the beloved
  • Playful lover
Loving style 3 STORGE (FRIENDSHIP)
  • Love sneaks up unnoticed
  • Sex occurs late in the relationship
  • Goals are marriage, children, home
  • Can survive long separations
  • Stability, peace and affection are strongly felt and displayed toward the beloved
Loving style 4 MANIA (POSSESSIVE)
  • Strong need for affection and attention from the beloved
  • Alternates between peeks of ecstasy and depths of despair
  • Possessive and jealous
  • Has symptoms of agitation, sleeplessness, fever, loss of appetite when the beloved is not present
  • May fall in love with someone they don’t even like
  • Feels like nobody until someone loves them
Loving style 5 PRAGMA (LOGICAL)
  • Seeks love on practical criteria
  • If a relationship doesn’t work out, moves on easily
  • More intense feelings develop after a sensible choice is made
  • Deliberate and discrete in their choice of the beloved
Loving style 6 AGAPE (SELFLESS)
  • Unselfish giving of one’s self
  • Reciprocity of relationship is almost irrelevant
  • No jealousy
  • Self-sacrifice
  • Altruistic
  • Displays love to the beloved that is always kind and patient
Perhaps you’ll see yourself in one or more of these loving styles.  The most important thing I want you to take away from this reading is love is varied.  Love is layered.  It can invades your heart at the most unexpected time.  It enters your soul on many different angels and levels.  When it comes, embrace and enjoy how it makes you feel.
I hope you found the information presented here today helpful.  And as always, what you think about you bring about.  What you focus on expands.  And where attention goes, energy flows and results show.  Make it an awesome day.
Anthony Miller
Your Chief Transformational Life Coach
The Mentoring Mind Group, LLC

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